Identity Crisis

I have struggled with something that has literally been with me since I was a child. Now it was easy to blame things like molestation on it or my mother was too close to me but I am a believer in Jesus and I know that this is a choice not cause of genes or some weird mystery of life. Ever since I can remember I have loved dressing up in my mom's clothes and I have  felt more attracted to men then women I seem to have more in conmen with women then men the usual classic things like sport cars and so on, but things like my voice my looks up until I grew up have always been feminine .... I always felt that perhaps I was supposed to be a woman...I mean why would I have these feelings or these desires. 

I recently have been looking on-line at porn...and I have to say gay porn is off putting I enjoy watching more of the solo acts then actual couple shots of men.....and watching heterosexual couples are more a turn on then homosexual... I don't get it I mean I wasn't a hermaphrodite I know that but why do I have a penis....why do I have feelings for men rather then women. Often when I am alone and I am turned on I imagine I have a vagina and that I am teasing myself. Am I suffering from an identity crisis or what is this was I supposed to be a women... I'm so confused and talking to God has been tough for me cause well I have done so much against his will that Its impossible to stop it and still be in His presence. I was brought up right to respect and love  God I have felt him and spoken to him many times but its just become so hard to return to him ...and even when I was with Him back then I would still revert back.....

MY MOM PASSED AWAY

My mom left us last week and I am finding it so hard to believe. She was in the hospital because she needed her leg to be amputated, she was diabetic. My mom was there for about three weeks and the day she had her second operation on her leg she passed away... so to me it feels like she is still coming home that she is still in the hospital. My dad feels so lost he has lost his soul mate they were together for 36 years! I lost my heroin and my inspiration to be better. I know she is looking down now shaking her head thinking that I haven't lost her. I wish there was some way I could just hear her again, just to speak with her like I did when she was here. I keep closing my eyes thinking of her. 

My family well my immediate family and I were like a clique we always did everything together we always stayed close and I felt free to speak about what I wanted with them. My mom and dad have been supportive of me ever since I was little every choice I made they were behind me even if they disagreed with me...they would try to make me see their point of view. 

Now she has gone and its been a week to the day...and my eyes well up and my heart almost stops ...we miss her so much. She was the rose that the thorns tried to protect and now she has not here to protect... there is an emptiness in me and I'm feeling as if things that bothered me don't bother me any more they seem so insignificant now..Is this Normal?? or is this me changing to adapt to tragedy?